Fantacrap (adj): a combination of Fantasea and Crap

The last time I was this embarrassed I was rinsing a dirty plunger in the bathtub at a friend's apartment. But that was lifetimes before the Shedd Aquarium's new show Fantasea.

Before the Shedd calls me a family-fun hating monster, let me say in my defense, "Shedd, I don't get any special joy out of nicknaming your new production Fantacrap. The show isn't even open yet, and you can bet when it does there will be dozens, if not hundreds, flocking to the internet to bash the show you've called Fantasea. Besides, Shedd, if you're going to get criticized, wouldn't you rather hear it from someone who loves you?"--At least, that's what my Mom always said to me...

Fantasea could have been interesting, if it were kept under an 30 minutes, ditched the Disney/Sea World feel, and was altogether redeveloped. The one thing Fantasea has going for it is, for the first time Shedd audiences can go to the Oceanarium and see several animals, including the dolphins, do tricks. (Yes tricks... because if you try to tell me that a sea lion tugging a rope with the word pull on it is a "natural behavior", I'll go from embarasse to ashamed.) Every other element in the show is working against Fantasea, from the colorful seaweed hoola dancers, to the out of place Mary Poppins-type characters with umbrellas suspended from the ceiling, to that poor young girl who's planted in the audience with her "mom".

The emcee of Fantasea had asked everyone in the audience not to discuss the show because it's official release is still a few days away... so I won't give any more spoilers, but I cannot say this enough: The show is embarassing! It's embarrassing to watch he Shedd Aquarium endeavor to put on a Disney-esque performance and miss the mark completely, becoming a corny production with no value in entertainment, education, nor otherwise. I don't have kids, and I can't tell if any in the audience were buying the show, although my boyfriend swears he saw one 2-year-old roll his eyes.

Fantasea completely undermines the great and interesting things going on at the Shedd. It's a shame Fantasea reached the point of expensive lesson to be learned, when any dopey focus group would have axed it in pre-production phases and helped the Shedd avoid what will certainly become a big black eye.

Do you know "good" pick up lines?

Add your pickup lines to the comments section of this article I wrote for Denver Six Shooter.

Pickup lines are the frisky, bastard cousins of the Hallmark's Valentine. They're the one- or two- liners that could get you laid, but more likely get a drink thrown in your face. I asked dozens of people from six different Capitol Hill bars for pickup lines, and this is what happened.

Buffalo Wild Wings Trivia

The bad mood began when the DJ announced a competitor's team name was "Multiple Scoregasm", which clearly trumped our team name, "Scoregasm."

"Yes, that's right," said the DJ (i.e. Wade). "There are two teams who have the word 'Scoregasm' in their name."

How humiliating!

Things continued to go down hill as I displayed unjustified confidence in topics I should really start considering lessons in the Golden Rule. On trivia of "Name-D-Year" variety, I should be seen and not heard.

Yet I'm not completely useless at bar trivia. I jumped up quickly at "What is the largest organ of the body?"

At the DJ booth, a regular stands, looks at me, and says ironically:"Blah blah blah largest organ in MY body."

I laugh a sarcastic, "Har, har, har" giving him the three elbow jab, and I remembered something that happened last Halloween.

My boss's son wanted me to print him out pictures of skeletons. I printed on, and he comes up to me and says, "No! Not a girl skeleton! I want a picture of a boy skeleton!"

"Kid," I says, "that's not a bone."

He looks at me incredulously... made me second guess myself.

In the midst of this internal dialogue, I return to my seat and continue to do piss poor at Buffalo Wild Wings Trivia.

One word, via Facebook

I keep getting all of these things via Facebook. I think there used to be a time when these were forwarded endlessly throughout a circle of friends via email. I like the Facebook method better; keeps my inbox clean. Anyway, here's my responses to ONE word answers.


Type only ONE word answers

It's harder than you think!! Here is what you are supposed to do...and please don't spoil the fun...copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people - including me.

Where is your cell phone?..... dunno
Your hair? ......... oily :(
Your father? ........ daddy
Your favorite thing? ........... Kyle
Your dream last night?....... forgotten
Your favorite drink? ........... smoothie
Your dream/goal? ........... mastery
The room you are in? ...... bedroom
Your fear? ......... trickery
Where do you want to be in 6 years?..... adventuring
Muffins? ............. nope
One of your wish list items?.......... money
Where you grew up? ........ Chicago
The last thing you did? ....... cleaned
What are you wearing?....... pajamas
Your TV?........... nonexistent
Your pets? ......... dead
Your computer? ..... sux
Your life? ......... cluttered
Your mood? ........ resourceful
Missing someone? ...... constantly
Your car? .... sold
Favorite store?..... museum
Your summer? ..... unplanned
Your favorite color? ........ changes
When is the last time you laughed? .....yesterday
Last time you cried? ....... dunno
Last person to email me? ally
My favorite food? ........ all
A place I would rather be right now? ..... home

International Snow Sculpture Competition (Breckinridge, CO, 2009)