Casper the Humping Dog

I was talking on the phone late Saturday night, when a leg of my chair fell through the deck. I lost track of the conversation for a few seconds, but even when I got back on track, I was pretty disheartened. Having your own weight push a hole through solid wood is not a good sign.

I was playing accomplice to my roommate, who was dog-sitting for his cousin, and I wouldn't have been outside had not said dog, Casper, become enamored with my leg and desparately tried to mount it over and over. And over again. He would come at me, make a play, and after I pushed him off and yelled, he'd make one lap around the couch and try for the other leg. I'm trying to flirt here, and this is just too distracting!

So I go to sit outside and break the deck, and I thought, Good job fat ass. Then I pulled the offending chair leg from the hole just to inspect it a little. The chair only slid about one-quarter of the way through. And then I, perhaps because I got anxious that the gravity and the chair would conspire against met, moved the chair over to one side, and switched to another for the remainder of the conversation.


I found my roommate and immediately confessed. He was unphased but said he'd make sure to tell his cousin. With that out of the way, we sat in the basement watching Heroes. I sat next to him on the couch, and then began round two. In vain and desparation, Casper the Humping Dog was trying to persuade a threesome. He'd play for my roommate, get rejected, walk behind the couch, and make a play for me. Between this and the bad acting that is Heroes' first episode, those two hours were the longest of my life.

When it was time for bed, we tricked Casper the Humping Dog into his kennel. Then, four hours later, we awoke to his barking howls. My roommate let the dog on the deck, and we cashed in a couple more hours. Of course, when we went to collect the dog, he was busy, digging out the rest of the hole I exposed the night before. I pulled him away, and chunks of deck fell off of his paws and snout. While I stood in shock, Casper made one more attempt at my roommate.

And that's how I got humped by Casper the Humping Dog.